A Plea to the Girls

    I've touched on the topic of body image and beauty standards a little on my other blog, but because Hats, Boots, & Chocolate is more of a writing blog now than a place for uplifting messages, this blog has been repurposed from happy news stories to encouragement in general--and I want to start with the girls.

    In this day and age, women are presented with a monumental challenge. Between billboards, advertisements, social media, television, and so on, we are faced, every day, with the standards of beauty upheld by the world. Supermodels pose for us in a variety of fashions and styles, and we are encouraged to keep up with the current trends however we can.

    The implications given to us seem to be that, if we don't conform and do everything just like the supermodels and celebrities, then we aren't really "beautiful" or "popular" or "good enough".

    I have strong opinions about this, and these opinions of mine have been getting molded and shaped since I was old enough to listen to a talk on CD. The first contributing factor to what I'm going to tell you in this blog post is a talk by Hank Smith called Break Up With The World. In this talk, he discusses how the world is all about Comparison, Competition, and Being Enough--and how, if you buy into those concepts, you will never think of yourself as good enough.

    The second contributing factor is a song by Jonny Diaz called "More Beautiful You". This is a fantastic song, and it hits the message that God thinks you're beautiful so hard.

    Another factor in my opinions today is the fact that I was home schooled for the majority of my life, and so was not exposed to the cliques and trends found in modern public schools. Additionally, my parents managed to (somehow) raise me to love books instead of television--there are only a handful of movies I actually enjoy watching, and they're all the ones I've seen a million times (in this I am one of two outliers; of all my immediate family, only my eldest brother also dislikes most television). This means that I don't regularly see or compare my looks to those of celebrities and supermodels, and instead compare my character traits to imaginary people formed from words--which I think is better, because it encourages me to grow as a person.

    The final factor in my opinions is the fact that I didn't start caring about how I looked in any way, shape, or form until a couple of years ago. Even then, I generally only care enough to look nice for the coming day, and if my daily life gets the bottom hems on my jeans covered in muck and filth, or my arms covered in scars, or my hands full of small holes from carrying bales of grass without gloves--well, that just means I have a life to live and do stuff with myself, which is a vast improvement on a few years ago--back then, you'd have had to nag, cajole, prod, or poke me with a stick to get me out of the fantasy world in my head for almost any reason.

    So, now that you know where I'm coming from, please allow me to talk to you and try to convince you that you are more beautiful than you think. This might devolve into a case of Lecture-Mode Elia, in which case I apologize pre-emptively and hope you'll forgive me. I am trying to be uplifting, here, but I'm a huge firebrand on some topics and I get really, really passionate about what I'm saying. My mom can attest to the fact that when I'm trying to be uplifting and spread messages of hope, I can get pretty up-in-arms about it. She's been on the receiving end of my advice enough times to know. :)

    Ready?

    All right, let's jump in!

    Up until recently, I took my college classes at my local high school via a "Live Interactive" Concurrent Enrollment program. This essentially means that I sat in a classroom with a couple of other kids and watched the professor teach on a big TV screen at the front of the room. If we ever had questions, we had microphones we could turn on and talk into like a conference call, but for the most part we spent our classes taking notes and offering commentary and discussion on the lectures with our mic off.

    Because my Life Interactive college classes were the only classes I took at the high school, and because I'm home schooled, I think I had a really interesting perspective of the high school. I'm an outsider, so I got to watch kids in the hallways and make relatively objective observations about their appearance and behavior. I don't know who the popular kids are, and I don't know who the unpopular kids are. When I walked into that high school and there were kids in the halls, all I saw were people--young men and young women, trying to find their way through life as best they could.

    Some of them, frequently guys, were loud and excited, and I could hear them halfway across the school because they were so boisterous and energetic. Some of them, of both genders, sat back and stayed near the edges of the halls, away from everyone else. Some of them stuck close to their friend groups, creating tight-knit circles of three or four teens walking together in the halls. Some of them got pulled up into enormous, six-to-ten-person globs that blocked the hallways and intersections.

    I don't know why these things happened the way they do. Not exactly. From what I observed, it seemed like the boisterous, energetic guys were the football players and sportsmen--the macho, manly men who like to take dares and challenge themselves to do crazier and crazier stunts. The kids who hung near the edges of the halls were, I feel, the kids who are more like me--the ones who don't have close friends at school to hang out with between classes. The folks in small friend groups were probably the fairly typical kids with a couple of friends who just want to have a good time at high school. Do I know for sure? No, not at all. But those are my guesses.

    From my viewpoint as an outsider, knowing nothing of how the politics of a high school actually work, I would guess that it was the largest groups of kids who blocked the halls that tended to hold the popular crowd (but I could be completely wrong about that). Those groups also tended to hold (to my eyes) the strangest styles, especially among the girls. The things those girls did to make themselves look beautiful, frankly, baffle me.

    Eyelash extensions, hair extensions, hair dyes, false fingernails, fingernail polish, makeup and Foundation... These things were everywhere in my local high school, and not just among the folks I'm guessing were in the popular crowd. Many girls put so much effort into their appearance every day--even if they were going for a "look" that is intentionally low-effort (like an oversized hoodie and minishorts. A lot of the girls wearing this "low-effort" style still wore enormous amounts of makeup, which is why I'm guessing it's an intentional "look" they put effort into).

    No judgement, y'all; do as you please. I just don't understand the mentality. I'm a farm girl, so I mostly care about practicality when I'm getting dressed in the morning. Makeup is for the occasional dance competition or performance, and then, my stage makeup is lighter than some girls' daily makeup. I really dislike having to worry about smearing colors when I touch my face. The makeup I wear for dance stuff drives me crazy because I'm so used to being able to scratch whatever itches I want without having to worry about it, but it's still practical because it makes sure people can see me under stage lights.

    To me, the ideal outfit is one that looks neat and clean and sharp (at least when I start the day; who knows what'll happen after I encounter horses), that doesn't take a lot of effort to put on, has practical value for my lifestyle, and generally stays out of my way (so that the effect of encountering horses is minimized).

    That's not how the rest of the world views things, though. To society, clothes are about nothing but looks. People put on uncomfortable stuff in the name of beauty all the time, because that's what's in the trends. I mean, look at high heels. What the heck? Those look so painful! But, you know, if you don't like that style or any of the other trends going on right now, you're clearly unfashionable and nowhere near being "good enough."

    Here's a question: What is it we're trying to be "good enough" for? To be popular? I've already demonstrated that, to an outsider, popularity is tough to identify. To my knowledge, it also doesn't last past high school--once you go to college, you're small fry again, and now the campus has thousands and thousands of people on it rather than a thousand or two. I think it's a lot harder to become popular in a college environment than in a high school one, particularly since now there are degrees to be earned and a career to figure out, and after college you're leaving school and entering the rest of life. As far as I'm aware, nobody cares about popularity once they reach adulthood.

    So again. I don't follow the trends, and I guess that means I'm not "good enough." Good enough for what? What is the purpose? To attract guys? To "feel beautiful"?

    I mean, maybe I'm a horrible metric for all this, because all it takes for me to feel pretty is a T-shirt and jeans, plus whatever accessories make sense for the time of year--beanies and cloaks for winter, my cowgirl hat during the summer, flannel shirts in spring and fall, belts and belt pouches for a Renaissance faire or to reduce the amount of stuff I'm carrying around on the daily. I wear rings, not because I care that they make my hands pretty, but because I think rings are nifty and fun (and even then, I don't always wear rings all the time). I feel prettiest knowing that I'm equipped to deal with whatever comes up in my life, be it an extremely fluffy Shetland pony that takes an hour or more to brush out every couple of days, an angry rooster who doesn't like the fact that I've captured him and snuggled him close, or a college class where I just need to sit quietly and try not to go crazy.

    Plus, I recently walked past a couple of guys who apparently noticed me and thought I looked good, so, cool, apparently being noticed by guys isn't that hard (I mean, frankly, it's as simple as wearing something unusual, like a cloak or cowboy hat. I've gotten so many comments and compliments on those specific clothing items [they have more practical value than a mere "accessory"] because they're not commonly seen these days. And I just wear them because I like them!). If the point is to attract guys... well, I don't think you have to follow the trends to manage that. And, too, I feel like I'm more likely to attract the type of guys I actually want to date (and possibly marry) if I dress like who I am, rather than what society says I should be.

    All this to say that the world's emphasis on makeup and accessories to "fix" things that are wrong with the way a person looks... it makes no sense to me. To my mind, it's like spray-painting a pony because it's the wrong color, and the result just looks artificial and false.

    To all the girls and women of this world... why? Can somebody please explain why? Why do some people let their styles and the way they feel prettiest be dictated by a bunch of fashion trends that don't care who they are or what they like? Why do girls do that? Please educate this confused, under-socialized home-schooled farm girl. What is the appeal?!

    The other thing to note, too, is that all this emphasis on beauty standards and fashion makes it hard to see the beauty each person already possesses. When I look at someone, I try to see them for who they are. I don't judge people by their hair color or style, I don't judge by the acne on their face, I don't care about their height or their weight or the way their body is naturally shaped. God made each and every one of us; therefore, each and every one of us is beautiful, and it's my job to find the beauty in each person and give them compliments for it.

    But the rest of the world doesn't operate that way. Society says: "You have acne? Oh, you'd better use something on that and get rid of it. You're a little overweight? Better go on a diet. Oh, no, your eyebrows are too blonde; you'll have to paint those to get the dark, "exotic beauty" look that's in fashion right now... haha, never mind, time to pluck the hairs out so your eyebrows aren't too bushy, because we're actually going for the thin-eyebrow look right now! Thought you could get comfortable in one style, did you? Sorry, girl, that's not how fashion works."

    I don't like that way of operating very much. To my eyes, every person is beautiful, just as they are--so why the need to change the way you look?

    Now, to be fair, I did Kool-Aid dye the bottom half of my hair a month and a half ago or so. But I think it's important to talk about my intentions for doing so. Ask me why I dyed my hair, and I'll tell you, "I thought it'd be fun." I think this may be a fairly common attitude among people who dye their hair unnatural colors; for example, I have a friend who, up until recently, re-dyed her hair every couple of weeks so it would stay pink. She wasn't doing it to meet any sort of beauty standard that I know of; she just really liked having pink hair. It's the same thing with everyone else I've met who dyes their hair odd colors--it isn't about fitting a mold for beauty, it's about doing something fun and different and experimenting with a new style. (Update as of October 2024--this still holds true. I've met about 3-4 more people who dye their hair fun colors since I first wrote this, and they do it because it's fun!)

   I think this is the basis for healthy body-image. The trick is to see yourself as beautiful, no matter what you're wearing or how you look right now. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder; there's always going to be someone who says that, "Oh, that's not beautiful." Well, sure, that's not how they define beauty, or what they find attractive... but, as Hoid from Brandon Sanderson's Cosmere has said, we define what art is. We decide what is beautiful to us, and that perception of beauty is different for every person. I can look at some art pieces and say, "I wouldn't want that in my house." But someone else might look at it and say, "I will give you two million dollars for that, please give it to me!"

    The beauty of this subjectivity of beauty is that, when I look at someone, I get to decide that they are beautiful just the way they are. Beauty cannot be measured objectively; it is by its very nature a subjective quality, and subjectivity is influenceable. I can re-influence my own subjective opinions and change what I think beauty is. In so doing, I can manipulate my own perception so that I see everything as beautiful. (Though you may have noticed that I haven't yet managed to convince myself that a whole lot of makeup or acrylic nails is beautiful. I can't get past the practicality issue; makeup is a pain to put on, deal with, and take off again, and nails longer than a millimeter or two get in my way. But that's just me.)

    If you like the way you look better with eyelash extensions and acrylic nails than without, go to! But if you're just doing it because that's what all the popular girls do, stop. Please stop! Figure out what you really want, and do that instead! Quit trying to follow the fashion trends and do what the world says you have to in order to be beautiful, because you're beautiful just the way you are. However you like yourself best is the most beautiful way you can dress, and anybody who looks at you the way God does will tell you the same thing. It's not about what other people think, but about how you feel about yourself. Dress in a way that makes you happy because it makes you happy. Don't listen to the world, because it's wrong about you.

    And if you don't know what you like and what makes you happy, talk to God about it. God gives great advice, and as the Artist who created all things, He's pretty good at identifying beauty and bringing it out in people, because He created all of us and knows the beautiful features, traits, and characteristics He gave us. Maybe your looks are plain next to the photoshopped supermodels society holds up as the beauty standard, but in God's eyes, your authenticity and inner goodness are so much more important.

    Please, stop judging yourself and calling yourself ugly or unattractive. Stop thinking that you're not good enough. You are more than the way you look, and society is wrong about you in every single way. You are beautiful and strong. You are loved and valued. The way other people see you is nowhere near as important as the way you see yourself.

    Finally, let me tell you a story I heard in my philosophy class:

    There were two painters who were challenged with painting the most beautiful portrait. They were given a year to accomplish the task, and so they went their separate ways to look for the most beautiful people to paint.

    When the year was up, the painters came back together to compare their work.

    The first painter had painted nothing at all. He said, "I have traveled the world looking for the most perfect, most beautiful person to paint, but I could not find them. Every person I looked at had flaws that made them ugly." (This is how modern society views people, by the way.)

    The second painter, however, had dozens of paintings of people. Beggars, noblemen, merchants, farmers, people of all classes, all body types, all ethnicities and occupations. He said, "I traveled to a nearby town and found a place to sit and watch the people in it. The more I watched, the more I realized that every person is the most beautiful in their own unique way, so I painted as many of them as I could." (This is how God views people.)

    Following the parable of the two painters, how do you want to view the world? How do you want to see yourself? Do you want to focus on all your flaws, all the things that make you imperfect? Or do you want to focus on all the ways that you are beautiful?

    I know which option God chooses, and I know which one I want to choose. The rest is up to you, and how you want to perceive yourself.

Further Resources:

• There is a really interesting discussion of beauty between two of the characters (Siri and Susebron) in Warbreaker, by Brandon Sanderson. Also, many of his other Cosmere works have mini-discussions of art and beauty as well, usually facilitated by the character known as Hoid.
• Jonny Diaz has written several songs other than the one I mentioned that highlight the ways that each person is beautiful.
• The band For King & Country is highly focused on showing women their value and beauty. Some of my favorite songs by them include "Priceless," "For God Is With Us," "God Only Knows," "Burn The Ships," and "Unsung Hero." They've also helped to produce a couple of movies, called Priceless and Unsung Hero. Both are really, really good; Priceless is part of a initiative to raise awareness of human trafficking and as such is really hard to watch, but that doesn't change the fact that it is extremely well done; Unsung Hero is a tribute to their mom and I love it!
• Again, Hank Smith's recorded talk, Break up With the World, is fantastic, and in it he discusses the topic of body image and beauty standards quite extensively.
• Jennifer Thomas is a pianist who has produced an album called "The Fire Within," which she wrote during her own journey to improve her self-image. One of my favorite songs on that album is called "Girl in the Mirror." Note that all the songs on that album are completely instrumental, so you can interpret them however you choose. (She also just released a new album a few months ago [as of October 2024] called Oceans, which is also amazing!)
• Karolina Zebrowska discusses beauty, fashion, and why the world's way is stupid extensively on her YouTube channel. Look her up sometime; her video titled, "Why are Body Parts Fashion?" is particularly relevant to this blog post. Her point is kind of, "Quit trying to change yourself to fit the fashions; just wait, sometime soon, the fashions will change to fit you! (Not that they'll stay there long, but still!)"
• Bernadette Banner also discusses the way fashion trends have changed from the Victorian era to now on her YouTube channel. Her videos are pretty great; I highly recommend them as well.